Sunday, September 25, 2005


I dunno what happened to me these days but I can’t stop listening to the duet “Stan” which was performed by the greatest rapper ever “Eminem” and the lovely “Dido”. It is weird but I think that my state recently is similar to Stan’s (the guy in the clip), that’s true!
Last winter I met a girl with 14 years old in “Rumadi” (my dad’s hometown). In fact, she is my sister’s friend and is pretty pretty. I don’t deny that I was mesmerized by her beauty, tried to be closer to her and she in turn didn’t mind it at all so we kept on meeting, chat, then admiration and …………….. until we found ourselves in an erotic situation (but didn’t have sex).
I returned to Baghdad while she stayed in Rumadi, this time with love healing my tortured heart and since then I didn’t see her again.
Without mentioning the horrible troubles I faced since I returned to Baghdad (hell city as Anarki13 said) that gave me a real pain in ass, I started to write letters to that cute girl telling her all that familiar shitty stuff of being lonely and missing her. I even asked one my cousins living there to be my messenger and I sent her two letters but with no reply, I’m now still writing letters but no one available to be my message boy this time. I wrote ten letters till now and was wonder if I would stop that crap or not but now it's too late - I'm on a 1000 downers now, I'm drowsy and all I wanted was a lousy letter or a call.
The entire time going I look to her photo (she took one with my sister) I even forgot to ask her about her personal photo.
God, I tried to tell my sister about our relationship but I couldn’t cuz I was afraid that she will mind.
One day I picked up a new clean razor blade and scratched my chest (just over the heart) to see how much it would bleed It's like adrenaline, the pain is such a sudden rush for me, I don’t know what I was thinking at that moment to do such insanely scary thing but certainly I didn’t intend to commit suicide.
I was (and still) in that freaky illusion knowing that I’m psycho about that country girl and my worst fear is the end will be just like it was to Stan (putting my girlfriend in the car’s trunk and jumped with the car out of the bridge), I don’t know.
The only thing I know is I have to keep on my faith, be patient and more relaxed and pay an attention to my study cause I don't really got shit else so that shit helps when I'm depressed.

P.S.: the verses written in italic are based on STAN's lyrics.


cile said...

i had this song in my head for over a year! listening and singing it a lot. but yes, try to concentrate on your study ... ;)

Caesar of Pentra said...

thanks alot cile!!!

Ioannes said...

you will end wise and old in your warm bed at 90.